“We Have Standards Here”
Beelzebub, chief lieutenant of Lucifer, reported in a press release earlier this week.
The instigators of a 2010 corruption case in Leon County are not welcome in hell due to moral standards laid out by its ruler in a rare but concise statement from the Dark Lord of the underworld.
Satan, also known as the Devil, confirmed that there was “absolutely no chance” current County Judge, former and current County Sheriff or any of those responsible for a series of events spread out over 20 years to include several court hearings and trials recently, will be entering his realm in Hell.
“None of these morons will ever step hoof in his fiery kingdom, pointing to total annihilation following death.”
“We’ve some awful pricks down here, let me tell you, but I would rather genuflect to God himself before I let any of those steaming piles of cancer puss pass through my gates,” a worried looking Beelzebub explained.
“Even hell has standards, and I will be fucked if I put my reputation on the line by letting those retarded idiots start shit down here,” he added.
Satan’s warning to the County Officials and associates comes after comments made yesterday by his adoptive son in Palestine, Sam commonly known as the “son of Sam.” It is unclear if Satans adoptive son is in the middle east or east Texas. Also of confusion is why he is referred to as son of…Historian of Assyrian History, Sara Melville pointed out that the name is backwards as it is demonic thus it should read, Sam the son of.
Former District Judge Bascom Bentley, who is languishing in Hell is reported to have issued a statement during which his agonized soul told the world press there was a “special place in hell” for those who promoted corruption in Texas.
Beelzebub advised he may only disclose that his Dark Lord was enraged by carelessness and irresponsibility on the part of the now condemned. One considerable annoyance was the reported release of prisoner from the Leon County Jail on an appeal bond. Satan was reported to be infuriated.
“They had that punk several times and he always gets away.”
“We basically have been setting them up within their own demonic kingdom right there and they blew it. Running their mouths, bravado and carelessness.”
“I’m going to have a word with Byron and a few others later this evening during his daily worship to me,” Satan said.
“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good kid, but he needs to wind it back a bit and let me do the talking”.