by Rex Huppke
While grilling Jackson on critical race theory Tuesday, Sen. Ted Cruz described a children’s book called “Antiracist Baby.” He turned his steely gaze to Jackson and asked the Harvard-educated veteran jurist if she believes “that babies are racist.”
Some viewers wondered why a man who looks like he rubbed honey on his face then rolled on the floor of a barbershop would pose such a question. In fact, the collective eye roll was so intense the Earth briefly tilted off its axis.
But I stood and cheered the bold senator from Texas/Cancun. He was speaking truth to power and addressing an issue few Americans have ever been willing to face: Babies are incredibly racist.
Extreme infant racism is common
I don’t mean just a little racist. I’m talking full-on, fontanel-having, seething bundles of hatred and racial animus. Swaddled little monsters is what they are.
I can already hear the cries of the baby apologists.
“Oh, that’s ridiculous. They’re so cute!”
“Not possible, they’ve only been alive a few months!”
Let me ask you this. When is the last time you heard a baby denounce racism? Hmmm?
Never. They’re silent on the issue.
If babies aren’t racist, and if a clearly intelligent and serious U.S. senator is out there floating a possible epidemic of infant racism, don’t you think babies themselves would stand up, immediately fall down and then assure everyone they don’t have a racist bone in their soft and pliable bodies?
That’s Crisis Management 101, folks.
Babies hate everyone
No, these suckers are coming out of the womb hating everyone who doesn’t look like them.
Think about it. You often find them wrapped in white sheets. (Coo Cluck Klan?) And if you introduce a white baby to a person of color and then that person leaves the room, the baby acts as though that person no longer exists. Same happens if it’s a Black baby meeting a white person.
Some say: “Well, that’s called object permanence, or the idea that people continue to exist when you don’t see or hear them. Babies don’t develop that until they’re around eight months old.”
To which I say: “That’s called a lame attempt to use science to excuse blatant baby racism, and you should be ashamed of your adult self.”
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The undeniable reality of widespread, virulent racism among recently born humans is why it was so important that Cruz took precious moments of his and our lives and devoted that time – time none of us will ever get back – to ask a brilliant and widely respected judge about a 24-page, brightly colored children’s book.
Are kid books denying baby racism?
The existence of a book called “Antiracist Baby” suggests it’s possible for a baby to not be racist. But as I’ve proved so eloquently here, all babies are definitely racist. So how can we allow someone on the Supreme Court if she doesn’t recognize “Antiracist Baby” as insidious baby-washing propaganda?
As this confirmation hearing continues, I hope Cruz and other sharp Republican senators will continue this important line of questioning.
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Are babies also racist against Whos, and does the book “Horton Hears a Who!” attempt to gloss over hostile infant Who hatred? Is “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” an allegory for the supremacy of one particular race over all others?
Yes on both counts, probably.
It’s high time someone in this country had the courage to call out the vile, Machiavellian babies who have transformed our day cares into playpens of hate.
Before Judge Jackson is confirmed, she must meet what I’ll call “the Cruz requirement.” She must stand up, face the American people and honestly declare: “YES! All babies are racist! Thank you for asking such an important question. Did you all arrive in the same clown car or drive separately?”